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The Office Worker’s Guide to Staying Swamped

office_workers.gifStaying swamped at work is essential for upwardly mobile office professionals. Remember, if you want to be a success, constant activity is a must!

So for the tiny handful of you who haven’t yet thrown off the antiquated shackles of analog worklife, here are some guidelines for keeping busy, busy, busy in the wired workforce of the twenty-first century.

1. Sit in Front of Your Computer All Day
Your computer is the ultimate source of productivity, so don’t leave it unattended. Ignore nonsense about so-called “offline” work. Forget “ergonomic” claptrap about repetitive stress injuries, eyestrain, etc. And remember: Rest breaks are for wimps.

2. Make E-Mail the Center of Your Worklife
The modern office worker’s ultimate goal is to work entirely by passing e-mail messages back and forth. Work diligently toward this ideal (see Rules 3 through 7).

3. Check E-Mail First Thing in the Morning and Constantly Throughout the Day
Start each workday by checking e-mail. Leave your e-mail program open, and set it to automatically check for incoming messages every two minutes, and announce the arrival of each with a loud sound effect. This way you can respond immediately to the exciting and important information each new communication brings (pay special attention to software upgrade announcements, Facebook invitations, and jokes from relatives). This is called “multitasking.”

4. Multitask
Avoid focusing on a single task until it’s done—that’s for Luddites unable to embrace new technology and the modern workstyle. Wired workers multitask constantly. They jump effortlessly from task to task—and create entirely new tasks with every arriving e-mail message.

5. React, Don’t Think
Reflection, pondering, deliberation, and contemplation are for squares stuck in the 1900s. Wired workers don’t think, they react. Respond immediately to each and every e-mail message, regardless of its so-called “importance.”

6. Check the Web Constantly
Clicking through to URLs referenced in e-mail messages is the second most important task of the modern worker. “Bookmark” important sites and check them continuously for updates. To understand how crucial this is, just imagine what would happen if you didn’t check your bookmarks constantly.

7. Carry a Mobile E-Mail Device
For those rare occasions when you must leave your PC, carry a mobile device so you can respond to crucial e-mail messages and do important Web research. Use your mobile device during meetings, at lunch, and especially when you’re with your family.

8. Type, Don’t Talkoffice_logooffice.gif
Modern office workers know typing is more effective than talking. Why arrange lunch in an eight-second phone call when you can stretch the discussion over hours and multiple e-mail messages? Typing not only keeps you busier, it helps you avoid live encounters involving such passé elements of communication as tone of voice, facial expression, body language, physical proximity, eye contact, and so forth. C’mon, people, this isn’t the 1800s!

9. Avoid Pencil and Paper, Draft in Digital
Never go offline or off-site with pencil and paper to “think” about what you want to say (hey, they don’t call it “Office” for nothing). Start typing and pasting in cool images. It’ll all make sense once it’s formatted.

10. Do Fun Tasks First
Work on fun tasks first (assuming you’re caught up with e-mail, which shouldn’t happen often). Ignore the CRAP™ rule. Leave difficult work for later. This’ll ensure that you’re constantly swamped and enable you to check your mobile device late into the evening hours.

Follow these simple steps and you, too, can stay swamped on the path to success!

Happiness is Turning Off the Computer

The Perils of the Internet

Want to Achieve Your Goal? Avoid E-Mail!

3 Comments to The Office Worker’s Guide to Staying Swamped

On May 25, 2011, Brittaney Gowen commented:

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On Aug 31, 2011, Rebbeca Sipos commented:

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On Aug 31, 2011, by Tim commented:

I have no idea what you’re saying, but it’s in a foreign language, and that’s very cool. Hope you enjoyed my post and are not just flogging Viagra pills. From the look of your Web site, you are a very cool person.

Also sorry for being three months late in responding :)



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