Soul Shelter

High Anxiety & Happiness

June 8, 2008

Herewith, we present a new essay from our Soul Shelter First-Person Essay Award submission pool. We think you’ll find Seattle writer Terri Davis Smith’s story as inspiring as we have. (Also, be sure to read “Lighting the Way for Others” by contest entrant Melissa Hanser).

Remember, if you’re contemplating submitting your own 400-1,500 word essay on the subject of balancing fortune and fulfillment, our entry deadline is July 1, 2008. Take advantage of our no-entry-fee setup, and get a shot at publication on this blog and a $1,000 grand prize.

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• A New Fortune: How Panic Attacks Enhanced Perspective on Life by Terri Davis Smith •

A panic attack has a way of heightening your perspective — there is nothing more real than the feeling of losing control of your thoughts and senses. When a panic attack subsides, it’s time to take stock of your circumstances, which is what I did at age thirty-nine.

I had the corporate job, a wonderful husband, two amazing children, and even the dog and picket fence. Instead of enjoying these so-called accoutrements of success, I was constantly filled with anxiety, and my career-bent days did not include fulfillment. There was a distinct imbalance, and I can thank panic attacks for making this clear.

I spent seventeen years climbing the corporate ladder during the time when dot-coms and IPOs (Initial Public Offerings) were, literally, a dime-a-dozen. The company I worked for experienced two and three-way stock splits and mergers and acquisitions. My co-worker would reload the Nasdaq quotes page for fun, to find our company stock sometimes jumping ten dollars in one day. I joked that she had the Midas touch. My stock options granted me Hawaiian getaways and a vacation home.

All in all, life was good, right? Apparently so, until that Friday afternoon when I left one of my weekly department meetings. I was on my way back to my desk, chatting with colleagues and, as usual, kvetching about the meeting. As I walked up a staircase I had walked up probably five-thousand times during my tenure, I began to feel light-headed and dizzy. I knelt down on the stairs. I remember my friends and co-workers gathering around and offering comforting words, but all I could say was, “I’m afraid and worried about my girls.” The paramedics arrived. I saw my husband holding my younger daughter, her head buried in her papa’s chest.

We made three visits to the emergency room that weekend because of three subsequent attacks. The first two doctors muttered that I was fine and was only having an anxiety attack. The third doctor verbalized the same but also gave me some brochures about panic attacks. Reading through them, I found all the symptoms to be precisely what I had been experiencing. I finally understood that I was not going to die from having these feelings. This helped me calm down. I took a week off from work to recover. I became very introspective during this recovery period, and doubts about my line of work began to flood my thoughts.

I listed the pros and cons of my job. The “pros” column included the names of two co-workers who were great friends. It also included, of course, my salary. The “cons” column was quite extensive, and included: high stress; missing out on volunteering at my daughters’ schools; guilt for taking vacation time; less praise and appreciation received; more work received; less time allowed to do the work; the integration of corporate jargon in my everyday speech (i.e. “You must be nimble,” and “Do the right thing”); and the integration of sweater sets and pearls.

I realized that at work I had lost a sense of who I was-both on the job and off. I was unhappy and unfulfilled. Panic attacks brought me to the understanding that I needed a better work/life balance, I was lacking fulfillment, and I missed my family.

Nowadays, I have a clearer vision of what’s important in my life, and I’m taking baby steps to fulfill this vision. I left the corporate world and enrolled in school to learn and create new skills. I’m amazed at how the stress has vanished from my body-probably because I’m taking care of myself with more exercise and rest. School field trips, cycling, and snuggle sessions are in the picture now.

Lately, the panic attacks have become strangers. Their job done, they’ve left me alone. Coincidently, I’m more satisfied with my life, and I believe I’ve found a new kind of fortune.